13
Mar
08

I don’t feel fifteen.

I’ve been out for a long time, haven’t I? I guess I haven’t really had much to say over the past few weeks, although lots of important things did happen (end of classes at last, empty school days intrams, and the fact that today is the first day of not having to go to school, which is interesting). I probably wouldn’t have written here today, if not for the fact that today is, well, my birthday. Of course I’m going to talk about it–it’s not just another day in the life, after all (did you catch the Beatles reference? šŸ˜› ).

Oh, and a heads-up: this semi-rant is a bit long.

So, the title. As of now, and since midnight last night, that statement is true. I simply do not feel like I have aged at all over the past year–it’s more like time just went by. As I said on YM earlier today, it’s like my mindset is “So I’m fifteen. Meh.” I feel extremely apathetic about the whole thing, especially when I should be happy (GIFTS šŸ˜› , friends remembering my birthday, and the whole “I’m older thing”), and the whole apathy thing is really starting to scare me.

This is definitely not supposed to happen. When you have a birthday, for me it’s meant to be a milestone of sorts, signifying that you’ve reached a certain point in your life and also a milestone that demands commemoration–or at least that sort of thing happens at certain birthdays in your life. But no, nothing of the sort happened with me today. It’s like I celebrated something of no importance whatsoever. Sure, some guys came over today, and sure, we had fun, but at the end of it all my main thought is this: What was the point of celebrating a birthday if it was just to say you’re a year older?

Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I know I’ve changed: I’ve learned to watch my words, I’ve learned to prepare for the future, I’ve learned to whine less and react more. The problem is that even though I know all of this has come to me in the past year, I’m not realizing it now. I know these are important changes in who I am, but the sad thing is that their full significance has yet to hit me. Not a good sign, by any means.

And the particularly disturbing part about this is that it’s not supposed to happen now, in this part of my life. My birthdays are not supposed to start blurring yet. At this point, I should probably be continuing to evolve (like I know I did as a thirteen year-old), not feeling like I wasted a year by not improving (or at least changing) at all. I’d understand if I got that “more of the same” feeling in the future, at the point where I realize how things will be for the rest of my life. Not now, where there are still so many unknowns, so much life to live, so many words to say. I don’t want this feeling of impending monotony just yet.

I really don’t know how to deal with this. There’s always the most likely possibility that it’s going to sink in sometime soon, but the question is: what if it doesn’t? What if my life becomes one big “meh”? What if, despite all the change that I know hope will come, I will ultimately feel as if things are still the same? How will I deal with this, if this is the way it will turn out to be?

The short answer is: Right now, I have absolutely no idea.

PS: Sorry for all the reiteration, and thanks for making it to the end of that. Just needed to vent a bit, I guess. šŸ˜€

As compensation, a video:

—————-
Now playing: Athlete – Half Light
via FoxyTunes

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15 Responses to “I don’t feel fifteen.”


  1. March 13, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    just a few words.

    be the change that you want to be. yeah, sounds political and crap, but think about it.

    oh, and nothing really happens overnight. it takes time — weeks, months, even years.

    anyway, yeah, happy birthday, joe. šŸ˜€

  2. March 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    Wow. From Mid-Life Crisis, to Quarter-Life Crisis, to, uhm, … Eighth-Life Crisis? Wow.

    HAAAAA-PIIIIIII BUUUUURRRT-DEEEEEEY TUUUUUUU YUUUUUUU!!! Wala lang.

  3. 3 Joe
    March 14, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    exactly. šŸ˜›

    XD thanks for the greeting too. šŸ˜€

  4. March 14, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Leave that thought for old age…
    Just enjoy life while you’re still young; you’ll be much more thankful you did…
    Not unless you want to become a philosopher searching for answers to life’s questions…

  5. 5 Joe
    March 14, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    well, it seems to be my thing to philosophize. XD

  6. 6 Alvin
    March 14, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    Joe’s OOOOOLLLDDD. XD Hahahahaha anyway,

    Belated Happy Birthday!!!!!

    Wheeee!!!

  7. 7 Joe
    March 14, 2008 at 4:48 pm

    XD thanks dude. šŸ˜€

  8. March 14, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    (Belated) Happy happy birthday Joseph >:D<

  9. 9 lookadistraction
    March 14, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Like I said earlier man, you aren’t alone when it comes to feeling like this.
    Could it be that 15 is the age where nothing particularly interesting happens? o_o
    We shall play AC4 sooner or later, aight? XD

  10. 10 josh
    March 14, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    I even have to do math to really check out my age. XD

    Anyway, happy birthday joe!

    Sure, birthday celebrations may be useless. But the years of life aren’t. šŸ˜›

  11. March 14, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    isabel> thanks, even if your greeting *was* belated. šŸ˜€

    julio> absolutely positively. XD

    shua> i know they’re not useless, but it feels like they are. go figure. šŸ˜›

  12. 12 Bea
    March 14, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    ugh..nosebleed. i need a tissue.
    I just realized something. Have you noticed that we live,hmm lemme see, about 4 houses away and yet I was not able to get any sort of libre from you.hmm. interesting.

  13. March 14, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    wala pang libre, need to know when sina coya ikey are done with classes. XD

  14. 14 lookadistraction
    March 14, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    Wahahaha. Aight man. Take care now.


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intro.

Presenting the thoughts and travails of a teenage writer who lives under a rock--albeit a rock with Internet access. Also, videos! Also, my Tumblr.

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  • 32,766 frags

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"For just this once, can we pretend it's you and me?" -Thinking Of You by Test Your Reflex

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from the author.

Check the pages every month or so (Egos, Fiction, Musings, Origins), I usually add stuff little by little (with the possible exception of Fiction, which really depends). Oh, and credits to Joaq for the header image.

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counting the days.

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