23
Jan
08

Edward-itis

This story/article/comedy bit is inspired by recent hilarious events. I’m not really sure where this should go, so this’ll end up in the Fiction section too. Oh, and lest you forget while reading: THIS IS RELATIVELY PURELY FICTIONAL. Here goes.

You may or may not have heard of a recent disease that has been sweeping the globe, leaving masses of people infected. This new, yet extremely virulent disease is called Edward-itis, named so after the character Edward Cullen, appearing in a series of books written by Stephenie Meyer . This disease affects 90-95% of females who have read the books (males are extremely resistant to the disease). In fact, one interesting quality of this disease is that it not only affects individuals, it can even affect groups of people as a whole, and indirectly influence those not infected. Signs of the disease include:

1. Intense infatuation with the aforementioned Edward Cullen

2. Bearing the Mark of Edward on one’s hand (The Mark of Edward is typically the word “Edward” written on one’s hand, although it may be accompanied with other lovestruck statements.)

3. A desire to name one’s puppy Edward

4. A desire to name one’s husband Edward

5. A willingness to change one’s name to go with the surname “Cullen”

6. Fighting over Edward with other victims of the disease

7. Subconsciously inserting the word “Edward” into everyday conversation

8. Squee-ing over Edward

9. Having a preference for the color bronze

10. Adopting the catchphrase “Bite me!”

11. In text- based environments, profuse use of “<3” in conjunction with Edward

12. Having naughty thoughts about Edward

13. Writing (sometimes naughty) fiction involving Edward

14. A need to have a picture of Edward as one’s display image

15. Robert Pattinson (who will play Edward in the upcoming Twilight Movie) becoming extremely popular in a short span of time

16. Stampeding whenever Edward is out of stock

17. A sudden upsurge in the number of baby boys named Edward

18. Obssession with Edward

19. The male population marrying illiterate women, or the small percentage of girls not infected with Edward-itis

20. Books with Edward perennially being out of stock

21. Saying Edward for no reason whatsoever, and subsequently sighing

22. Considering Edward to be godlike

23. Complete memorization of books with Edward in them

24. Vehement outbursts of “You are not worthy to speak his holy name!” whenever a non-victim says the name “Edward”

25. If the sickness has worsened, victims may turn into Edwardian nerds, but unable to accept the fact that the word nerd could ever be associated with Edward

26. In especially severe cases, loss of coherent thought, with the exception of the word Edward

27. Final symptom: An Edwardian coma, from which victims emerge as Edwardian zombies, mindless slaves who serve only to obey their master’s one true love’s will

So, always be on the alert for these signs, and if you notice them, and are female, get out of the place–fast, or risk joining the legions who have already been infected by Edward-itis. (If you’re a guy, no worries, the only side-effect for guys is intense jealousy).

UPDATE: For further information on Edward-itis, consult these two essays by my two colleagues, one by Mr. Alvin and one by Mr. Josh.

Sorry for petering out near the end. πŸ˜›

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51 Responses to “Edward-itis”


  1. January 23, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    i love this entry. :))

    Edward. Just saying.

  2. January 23, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    Times a gazillion.

    Isabel> Whee. Edward. Just saying. I’m so proud of that line.

  3. January 23, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    jooooe! HAHAHA.

    i have to agree with isabel. ^_^

    *goes back to daydreaming about edward*

    edward.

  4. January 23, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    Ed?
    Cool post…
    Thanks for writing…(laughs maniacally)

  5. January 23, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    What’s worse is if women prefer Edward rather than Chuck Norris. XD

  6. January 23, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    Oh. And “(If you’re a guy, no worries, the only side-effect for guys is intense jealousy)” MUST be in bold capital letters. Seriously. Hahaha.

  7. January 23, 2008 at 8:58 pm

    wait lang. ba’t ung link sa godlike, wikipedia article about DotA? bad!

  8. 9 conrad
    January 23, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    22. Considering Edward to be godlike

    KILLING SPREE. XD

  9. January 23, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    Jealous of Edward Joe?

    Placing this in my Multiply…with your name on it of course πŸ˜€

  10. January 23, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    Wow. Just had a short dream a while ago. Edward was actually shorter than I thought (maybe like Conrad short. No offense. :P). And an upper cut knocked him out. I thought he was superhuman. πŸ˜›

    *drinks more booze*

    Wait. That’s pineapple juice. XD XD XD

  11. January 23, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    …oh noez! teh guys are bashing TEH EDWARD!

    inggit lang kayo e. :))

    joel>> i prefer edward over chuck norris. ^_^ buff guys don’t appeal to me. πŸ˜›

  12. January 23, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    and you misspelled meyer. it’s an E, not an A. πŸ˜›

    *apologizes for commenting too much — edward’s just too… *sigh**

  13. 14 joshuagad
    January 23, 2008 at 9:34 pm

    JOEL??? DREAM ABOUT EDWARD?! XD

    His “hut-ness” is entirely debatable. πŸ˜›

  14. January 23, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    EDWARD EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!!!!

  15. January 23, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    joel> i never liked chuck norris in the first place. o_O
    alvin> *in singsong voice* somebody’s jea-lous. :))

  16. January 23, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    Please. Chuck Norris can kick Edward’s ass anytime. Even Santa can kick Edward’s ass.

    Diba Josh is an Edwardigan?

  17. January 23, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    yes, it’s in alvin’s edward-itis post. XD

  18. January 23, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    don’t call us edwardigans, it’s… eew. parang backyardigans O_o

  19. January 23, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    EDWARDIGANS! THE MORE YOU HATE IT, THE MORE I’LL USE IT. πŸ˜›

  20. 21 alegre
    January 24, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    omg, is edward REALLY that addicting?

    i haven’t even read twilight yet. MUST find out soon. :)) SOMEONE LEND ME THE BOOK!

  21. January 24, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    I’m scared.

    Now I don’t know if I’d be less scared if they were pining after Drizzt Do’Urden instead.
    http://keelerleah.deviantart.com/art/Drizzt-flees-the-Hunter-58487512

    He’s a Mary Sue character too. πŸ˜› He even has the lines to fit the bill:

    “I am dying.
    Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk.”

    And the yaoi bait lines.

    “Entreri wanted Drizzt Do’Urden.”

  22. January 24, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    Scary.

    *searches for an antidote*

    So far, the closest thing I have is having a real boyfriend. For girls, I mean. It would be queer if men have a crush on Ed Cullen. O_O

  23. January 24, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    there is no antidote, joel!

    i sigh in admiration. :))

  24. 25 conrad
    January 25, 2008 at 8:45 pm

    joel>i’m not short. just shorter than you. XD

    edward isn’t real, FORTUNATELY. XD

  25. January 25, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    conrad> i know. okay lang, at least i can imagine him the way i want him to be like… πŸ˜€ pangit yung fan art e T_T

  26. January 26, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    Go Ed C.=Ed Cipriano that is! XD

  27. 28 conrad
    January 26, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    marz> *coughcoughfantasiescoughcough* XD

  28. January 26, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    conrad> kawawa naman post ni joe. ginawang confe about edward <3. and.. what are these fantasies you speak of? O_o

  29. January 27, 2008 at 12:44 am

    pansinin mo, ikaw yung may pinakamaraming comment dito eh. ._.

  30. January 27, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    Barado na ang fangirl. :))

  31. January 27, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    I just noticed…

    This blog has a

    BLACK
    RED
    and WHITE

    theme…
    ..
    ..
    ..
    OH NOEZ!!!

  32. January 27, 2008 at 11:11 pm

    OMG. I BET MARZ WAS DOING A NUMBER 12 ( used to be 7. tsktsk. ) WHEN SHE WAS TYPING COMMENTS. EWW.

  33. January 28, 2008 at 12:05 am

    Edward is giving you so many hits. :))

  34. 35 Kristin
    January 28, 2008 at 3:25 am

    You are down right awesome! That was incredibly creative. I hope you are doing well in your English classes!

  35. January 28, 2008 at 9:07 am

    Phew, i have none of those symptoms!
    I must be one of the few that will get married off without worrying how edward will take it then 8D

  36. January 29, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    I’m annoyed. I suppose anyone can have a crush on a fictional character, but… Edward is seriously losing his charm. 😐

  37. January 30, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    why, because everyone likes him now? XD

    srsly, what’s happened to make you feel so? πŸ˜›

  38. 39 conrad
    January 30, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    yeah. everyone wants edward for his herself. XD

  39. February 6, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    JOSEPH. You need to write something new. :))

  40. February 6, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    isabel’s right.

    write something, please? *convinces estelle to use piliting powers XD*

  41. February 6, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    If you’re bored of Joe’s stuff, why read his blog?

    Common sense. Simple as that. πŸ˜›

  42. February 9, 2008 at 12:53 am

    Are you being stupid on purpose? (kidding.) They want NEW stuff. That’s why they come back to check.

  43. 44 anna
    June 19, 2008 at 11:35 am

    Edward is a dumb name first of all. Second, I have a better man to love. Jacob Black.<3

  44. 45 Astartiel
    November 10, 2008 at 9:29 am

    Oh dear, I think it’s too late for me. I’ve already been severely infected by Edward-itis. Do you think Stephenie Meyer might pick up my medical bill so I can be cured? Or is there no cure? Unfortunately I have previously been infected with Lestat-itis, so I’m probably a lost cause anyway…

  45. January 16, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    what happens in the end of the Twilight series is …..

    BELLA TURNS INT A VAMPIRE BECAUSE EDWARD BIT HER!!!!

    oh and they have sex 3 times and i think that BELLA SHOULD GET HER HEAD BITTEN OFF!!!!

  46. 47 Melissa
    March 24, 2009 at 2:52 am

    Edwardddd *sigh*

    Neh, I’m an Emmett girl πŸ˜‰ with the muscles and the humor and such… *SIGH*

  47. 48 MaloBeto
    September 6, 2009 at 3:34 am

    Jealous? Lmao why would I be jealous of a guy who gets so high of of cocaine and LSD he thinks he is a vampire then he takes some roids to make himself strong (they would shrink his dick too if he had one)

    JARLAXLE FOR PRESEDENT!!!!!!!


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intro.

Presenting the thoughts and travails of a teenage writer who lives under a rock--albeit a rock with Internet access. Also, videos! Also, my Tumblr.

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"For just this once, can we pretend it's you and me?" -Thinking Of You by Test Your Reflex

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from the author.

Check the pages every month or so (Egos, Fiction, Musings, Origins), I usually add stuff little by little (with the possible exception of Fiction, which really depends). Oh, and credits to Joaq for the header image.

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counting the days.

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