Edward-itis

This story/article/comedy bit is inspired by recent hilarious events. I’m not really sure where this should go, so this’ll end up in the Fiction section too. Oh, and lest you forget while reading: THIS IS RELATIVELY PURELY FICTIONAL. Here goes.

You may or may not have heard of a recent disease that has been sweeping the globe, leaving masses of people infected. This new, yet extremely virulent disease is called Edward-itis, named so after the character Edward Cullen, appearing in a series of books written by Stephenie Meyer . This disease affects 90-95% of females who have read the books (males are extremely resistant to the disease). In fact, one interesting quality of this disease is that it not only affects individuals, it can even affect groups of people as a whole, and indirectly influence those not infected. Signs of the disease include:

1. Intense infatuation with the aforementioned Edward Cullen

2. Bearing the Mark of Edward on one’s hand (The Mark of Edward is typically the word “Edward” written on one’s hand, although it may be accompanied with other lovestruck statements.)

3. A desire to name one’s puppy Edward

4. A desire to name one’s husband Edward

5. A willingness to change one’s name to go with the surname “Cullen”

6. Fighting over Edward with other victims of the disease

7. Subconsciously inserting the word “Edward” into everyday conversation

8. Squee-ing over Edward

9. Having a preference for the color bronze

10. Adopting the catchphrase “Bite me!”

11. In text- based environments, profuse use of “<3” in conjunction with Edward

12. Having naughty thoughts about Edward

13. Writing (sometimes naughty) fiction involving Edward

14. A need to have a picture of Edward as one’s display image

15. Robert Pattinson (who will play Edward in the upcoming Twilight Movie) becoming extremely popular in a short span of time

16. Stampeding whenever Edward is out of stock

17. A sudden upsurge in the number of baby boys named Edward

18. Obssession with Edward

19. The male population marrying illiterate women, or the small percentage of girls not infected with Edward-itis

20. Books with Edward perennially being out of stock

21. Saying Edward for no reason whatsoever, and subsequently sighing

22. Considering Edward to be godlike

23. Complete memorization of books with Edward in them

24. Vehement outbursts of “You are not worthy to speak his holy name!” whenever a non-victim says the name “Edward”

25. If the sickness has worsened, victims may turn into Edwardian nerds, but unable to accept the fact that the word nerd could ever be associated with Edward

26. In especially severe cases, loss of coherent thought, with the exception of the word Edward

27. Final symptom: An Edwardian coma, from which victims emerge as Edwardian zombies, mindless slaves who serve only to obey their master’s one true love’s will

So, always be on the alert for these signs, and if you notice them, and are female, get out of the place–fast, or risk joining the legions who have already been infected by Edward-itis. (If you’re a guy, no worries, the only side-effect for guys is intense jealousy).

UPDATE: For further information on Edward-itis, consult these two essays by my two colleagues, one by Mr. Alvin and one by Mr. Josh.

Sorry for petering out near the end. 😛