I’ve been out for a long time, haven’t I? I guess I haven’t really had much to say over the past few weeks, although lots of important things did happen (end of classes at last, empty school days intrams, and the fact that today is the first day of not having to go to school, which is interesting). I probably wouldn’t have written here today, if not for the fact that today is, well, my birthday. Of course I’m going to talk about it–it’s not just another day in the life, after all (did you catch the Beatles reference? ).

Oh, and a heads-up: this semi-rant is a bit long.

So, the title. As of now, and since midnight last night, that statement is true. I simply do not feel like I have aged at all over the past year–it’s more like time just went by. As I said on YM earlier today, it’s like my mindset is “So I’m fifteen. Meh.” I feel extremely apathetic about the whole thing, especially when I should be happy (GIFTS , friends remembering my birthday, and the whole “I’m older thing”), and the whole apathy thing is really starting to scare me.

This is definitely not supposed to happen. When you have a birthday, for me it’s meant to be a milestone of sorts, signifying that you’ve reached a certain point in your life and also a milestone that demands commemoration–or at least that sort of thing happens at certain birthdays in your life. But no, nothing of the sort happened with me today. It’s like I celebrated something of no importance whatsoever. Sure, some guys came over today, and sure, we had fun, but at the end of it all my main thought is this: What was the point of celebrating a birthday if it was just to say you’re a year older?

Don’t get me wrong, I do know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I know I’ve changed: I’ve learned to watch my words, I’ve learned to prepare for the future, I’ve learned to whine less and react more. The problem is that even though I know all of this has come to me in the past year, I’m not realizing it now. I know these are important changes in who I am, but the sad thing is that their full significance has yet to hit me. Not a good sign, by any means.

And the particularly disturbing part about this is that it’s not supposed to happen now, in this part of my life. My birthdays are not supposed to start blurring yet. At this point, I should probably be continuing to evolve (like I know I did as a thirteen year-old), not feeling like I wasted a year by not improving (or at least changing) at all. I’d understand if I got that “more of the same” feeling in the future, at the point where I realize how things will be for the rest of my life. Not now, where there are still so many unknowns, so much life to live, so many words to say. I don’t want this feeling of impending monotony just yet.

I really don’t know how to deal with this. There’s always the most likely possibility that it’s going to sink in sometime soon, but the question is: what if it doesn’t? What if my life becomes one big “meh”? What if, despite all the change that I know hope will come, I will ultimately feel as if things are still the same? How will I deal with this, if this is the way it will turn out to be?

The short answer is: Right now, I have absolutely no idea.

PS: Sorry for all the reiteration, and thanks for making it to the end of that. Just needed to vent a bit, I guess.

As compensation, a video:

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Now playing: Athlete – Half Light
via FoxyTunes

I haven’t been able to think of anything decent to write at all for the past two months or so, reason unknown (I do have an idea though). So, why have I chosen today to make an effort to return? Well, I guess that having school looming over my head made me think about whether my vacation was actually worth it (don’t worry, I will expound), and maybe also because I was sick of not being able to write (in fact, I’m fighting the urge to stop writing now, but if I give in I’ll probably never get to writing because I want to again).

So, the vacation. It was pretty much worth it because I spent the greater part of it doing something, whether it be playing computer (further divided into bonding with my cousins through Call of Duty 4 or improving my Dark Crusade skills) or Wii, reading, attending family gatherings or getting stuff for free (it’s Christmas, after all), thereby avoiding the boredom that seemed to plague so many other people. At the same time though, I took some steps to becoming less crappy a person (an example would be actually giving gifts to some of my friends, although I’m not yet done with that).

The vacation wasn’t worth it at the same time either, because I guess I didn’t really do anything worthwhile, having spent most of my time loafing around (although the kickboxing was good). I didn’t really go anywhere (well, there was San Pablo, but technically that was still part of school) or do anything new (I did have plans to do new stuff, but they mostly fell apart or got put off to summer), with this vacation being focused on relieving all the stress that had built up during the past three quarters of classes (…so I guess the vacation was worth it after all).

Now, about school? So many other people are pretty negative about it, but I’m proud to say I’m not one of them. Sure I’m a little apprehensive about it (it’s not easy going back to the drudgery of classes after a few weeks of putting school out of your head), but it doesn’t mean I’m wishing our vacation was longer. I’ve pretty much consigned myself to the fact that school starts tomorrow and won’t let up until March (hopefully before my birthday), so I’m not really wishing for more vacation–instead I’m hoping to do a whole lot better this quarter compared to the previous three (having more or less flushed my need to slack off out of my system, I’m reasonably confident I can stay on track), because the first two quarters were disappointing and I don’t know about the third quarter grades yet. At any rate, my mindset for the fourth quarter is more or less the mindset I picked up from my tito:

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Doesn’t mean I haven’t lost my remarkable sense of humor, though, as proven by the fact that I can still laugh at this video:

I forgot to mention another good effect of the vacation: it looks like I can write again.

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Now playing: New Radicals – I Don’t Wanna Die Anymore
via FoxyTunes